Today I broke up with my girlfriend. And I made a further decision: the time has finally come for me to throw in the towel when it comes to dating.
I feel like I have been walking on a path with no signposts trying to get to the promised land: a relationship with no bullshit. On the left hand side of the path are the commitment-phobic girls who are paranoid because their ex-boyfriends were horrible to them and as such they want to umm and ahh forever about being your girlfriend (or at least “labelling” themselves as such). On the right hand side of the path are the insecure girls who are paranoid that you will leave them and/or cheat on them based on their own bad experiences. And now, the sun is beginning to set and my legs are tired.
I’ve written about the commitmentphobes before. But now I want to rant about the insecure ones.
If you go out with an insecure person, at first their paranoia and insecurity feels like a compliment in a way; at least they are interested, right? But after a while, it starts to get ridiculous. You begin to feel suffocated. You feel like everything you do will be taken as proof of a lack of interest (or, worse, proof that your interests lie elsewhere). They insist on making demands at the most inopportune moments they can possibly think of and they push and push and push until you get angry, then they complain that you are angry.
In the interests of cutting the length of this post down slightly, the girl I broke up with today started by complaining that, when she, for example, came back to me from the toilet, she often saw me texting and then putting my phone away when she arrived, which made me feel like I was hiding something from her i.e. other girls I was dating and/or flirting with. I explained that I was just messaging friends or scrolling through Facebook or browsing the internet, and that the reason I put my phone away when she returned was simply that I thought it was rude to sit there texting other people in front of her.
At first I was patient with this girl. At least she was interested. Perhaps she had been let down in the past. Sure, I had also been let down in the past and I wasn’t doing this to her… but OK. But then she wouldn’t stop.
She complained that I didn’t reply to her WhatsApp messages quickly enough, even though I had explained to her that I was on the phone to my mum at the time so of course I couldn’t see her messages, let alone reply to them. Then she complained because I couldn’t ring her just for a chat right in the middle of a rock concert that I had bought tickets for months ago. Then she complained that I didn’t ring or text her after the concert even though I explained that my phone battery was dead and I hadn’t got in until 1:45 the next morning. Then she complained that I didn’t want to have sex as much as she did even though I had the flu, I was coughing and sneezing constantly, I could barely get a sentence out without spluttering, my throat was sore and I felt physically weak.
Without wanting to give too much information, just think about that for a second. Imagine if the situation were reversed and I were the one complaining that my girlfriend wouldn’t give me sex on demand. Wouldn’t I be the asshole in that scenario?
The real biscuit was taken when I stayed at her place last night. For context, I should point out that this girl shares a room with her mum and this room therefore has two separate single beds with a chest of drawers in between rather than one double bed. When the time came for us to actually go to sleep, we slept in separate beds for reasons of space and we would then resume hugging the next morning.
On this occasion we had been out to a taverna. The food was delicious and we had had a great time. However, we were both absolutely stuffed and both of us (apparently) wanted to just go to bed. So after a nice chat we finally went to sleep in separate beds as per the usual arrangement.
I was dreaming at about 4:00am when I was woken up by my (then) girlfriend tugging at the duvet. She said she couldn’t sleep so she wanted to sleep (which I took to mean actually sleep) with me. I made some space and put my arm around her, then I went back to sleep. She asked me if I was really going to sleep and I said yes. Then she got up and went to the other bed.
What then ensued was what looked like that ancient computer game “Pong” as my girlfriend kept going back and forth between my bed and the other bed and asking me if I was really sleeping. She said she thought I didn’t want her in my bed. I said that I did, and she said “but you didn’t kiss me”. I said that it was gone 4:00am and I was trying to sleep, that was all. Then she complained that she thought I didn’t want her there because of my body language (again, even though I was simply trying to sleep and so there was no “body language” to read into).
This went on for a couple of hours, and then she started having a go at me and complaining about all sorts of things: that she had caught me texting earlier (I had been texting a group of male friends about Warhammer while she was in the toilet); that I had said earlier that day that I didn’t want to move in with her (even though that wasn’t what I had said, I had simply said “maybe down the line”, which I felt was appropriate given that we had only been going out for a month); that we hadn’t had sex the previous weekend (even though (1) we had and (2) I had the flu that weekend); that I hadn’t had sex with her that night (even though she was on her period); and that I wasn’t kissing her and she shouldn’t have to beg for it (again disregarding the fact that she had woken me up at 4:00am).
At this point it was 6:30am so I started getting dressed and said that I was just going to go, to which my girlfriend responded that, if I did, that would be the end. I calmed down and went back to sleep on my own.
I eventually woke up again at about 11:00am, though I was still sleepy. To try and build bridges, I moved over to her bed and put my arm around her, though I still tried to sleep. Again, she started pressuring me to kiss her, and when I wouldn’t, she complained that she shouldn’t have to beg for her boyfriend to kiss her.
At this point, enough was enough. I said I was going to go home and I needed some time to think. She said we were just going to break up now because I wouldn’t kiss her and that I was being “rude”. I told her I was not being rude but she was acting like I was her slave and I had to just give her whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it otherwise I was a bad boyfriend. Then she accused me of raising my voice and refused to discuss it further, so I left.
This girl was just determined to test me by pushing my boundaries to see what she could get away with. She would push and push and push until I lost my temper and then start playing the victim. I’m sorry if she has had a bad past, but that’s not my fault and she shouldn’t take it out on me. I’ve been mistreated in the past and I don’t test people like that.
But there is one positive to take away from this. If this really is the way it is with relationships and I really can’t expect a level-headed girlfriend then I can finally state that I really am happy (or, at least, as happy as I realistically can be) single. Dealing with all the bullshit head games is just not a price I’m prepared to pay anymore. So I give up, world. You win.